Oh the Wonders of Anesthesia!

My husband, who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are Rick Crosby, had surgery on his old, decrepit knee on Tuesday this week. He’s been wearing a knee brace to play hockey for eight or nine years, ever since a catastrophic skiing day with our family in Canada. Finally two weeks ago, he completely tore his ACL and limped even with the brace on until this week.  Now he snores on the couch while his polar pack keeps his elevated knee nice and chilly.

The night after surgery is ALWAYS entertaining with this man. I should know. This is surgery #5 for us. Our children found his erratic comments highly entertaining and I scribbled them down as fast as I could so we could read them to him in the morning…. AND for your reading pleasure today. Here you go!

(He is wearing a full-leg support stocking on the non-hurt leg.) “Why is my white leotard dirty? Lin, how come it’s dirty?” I explained that he kneeled on the floor in the van to get his heavily medicated self into the vehicle for the ride home. “Well that carpet in the van is FILTHY!” (Not really.) I told him that we have another one that is clean for him to put on later. “Oh! I have two pair. Is it two pair or two pairs? Two pair. Two pairs. Do you know, Lin?” (He only has one pair.)

(To our two teenage boys) “What did you guys do today? … I had surgery!” (No duh!)

I asked Rick if he needed some pillows to prop himself up. “Yeah, some pillows or a hockey bag.” (How comfortable!)

“Lin, are you getting my pain pills at CSV?” (It’s called CVS.)

“Can I have some more pizza?” I explained that he couldn’t because he was supposed to take eating slowly after surgery. “I am going slow! It took me forever to eat those two pieces!”

(While I’m at the store….) “Nora, just bring me a piece of pizza and I will pay you a dollar. Your mom’s gone. She won’t know.” (Nice!)

(We were having a party dinner for Nora because it was her Gotcha Day, four years since she joined our family.) “How come everything is purple?”

(Nora started opening her gifts.) “What is taking her so long?” (It had been eight seconds.) “Someone help her!… Keeve, help your sister!… Is she almost done opening her birthday presents?”

(Nora opened a purple headband.) “Is that a halter top?” (Oh my!)

I wanted to take a picture of Nora and her Daddy for Gotcha Day. When I finished, Rick asked, “Who else wants to get their picture taken with me?” Both boys said, “No, I’m good!” Rick yelled, “Keeve get over here!” So we have pictures of the boys both laughing so hard as they get their pictures taken with him.

“I’m really hungry. I haven’t eaten for 20 hours.” I reminded him of the two pieces of pizza he just ate and told him to drink his water. “I will! Holy smokes, this straw is HUGE!”

“Hey…. um… are the Oilers playing tonight?” (Edmonton Oilers, his favorite hockey team.) Austin replied sarcastically, “Yes, and the score is two to three and Gretzky just scored!” (Gretzky hasn’t played on the Oilers since the early 90s.) “The Oilers SUCK this year!” (He would NEVER say this, even though it’s true.)

I suggested that Nora go share a purple Tic-Tac with her father. “Yeah, I won’t choke. I’m good!” (Sure you are, honey!)

“What day is it?” Tuesday. “It’s cheap night at the theaters!” (You’re not going anywhere, Superman.)

“What year is it?” Austin, again, sarcastically answers, 1987. “Hey, that’s the year I got married.” Then he looked around at the three kids with this confused look on his face and said, “I must have had insta-kids!”

Our daughter called from Oklahoma to enjoy the festivities surrounding anesthesia. Her father explained all about Lady Mary Crawley from Downton Abbey and how she is the tall one with dark hair who is grieving because her husband died. (WOW!)

Then our daughter’s boyfriend got on the phone and Rick asked when he is coming to visit. He replied December 26th. “Oh! Boxing Day! That’s the day before wrestling day, but you’re not supposed to do that until you’re married!” (What in the world???? I apologize on his behalf, John.)

And the entire night he kept asking, “WHAT is so funny?”  You are, dear. You just can’t make this stuff up!

Celebrating the Colonoscopy

 

A close friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, found that she was in need of an interior view of a delicate situation in order to establish her current health status.  (She had to get a colonoscopy.)  Yikes!  She found herself on D-Day in the presence of a male and a female nurse equipped with the apparatus necessary for the film shoot.  There was no anesthesia included in the deal.  Little did the three individuals know, but it was going to be an eye open and eye opening event for all involved. 

About one third of the way through the tunnel, my friend kept requesting that the procedure be slowed down to a comfortable pace for her peace of mind.  “No, it’s best if we just get this over with.  Hold on!” was the reply she received.  Another few minutes of anal agony and my friend repeated her request with a little more gusto the second time.  “Please Slow Down!”  “No, No.  We know best.  Hold your breath and don’t think about it!” they pathetically offered standing fully clothed at the foot of the table where my dear friend lay half exposed.

Finally my bosum chum had experienced enough grief and propped herself up on her elbows at the head of the cold metal table and questioned in a blaringly loud voice with evil eyes glaring at the nurses, “Have either one of YOU ever HAD a colonoscopy?”

They looked and each other and both shook their naive heads back and forth.

“WELL I HAVE AND YOU NEED TO GO SLOWER!!”

I wish I could’ve been a fly on the white wall.  I recently heard that the colonoscopy involves anesthetic now.  Well, now we all know why.  It’s thanks to my brave friend.  Thank you! You know who you are.

www.LindaCrosby.com

With Friends like this…..

 

In times of trouble, who could ask for better friends than these?  As far as tough times go, these photos are from one of the toughest times in our marriage…. when my hubby separated his Achilles Tendon and had 3 or 4 surgeries (see, I’ve already blocked the details…)  The picture on the left is of our friends, Andrew Edwin and Jill Rene, who loving brought my convalescing husband his favorite dessert (black forest cake), a stack of movies for his week of confinement on the couch and they fully bandaged and wrapped themselves in sympathy.  Yes, Andy’s eye is taped shut and Jill is sporting a wrist brace.  Such thoughtful people.  As if Rick’s wound sucking machine attached to his leg would be less noticeable with these two around.

And Darla.  Little did she know the detour her day would take with one simple phone call to my house.  I’ll give you the brief rundown of the morning.  I awoke to find that the washing machine had died.  Kaput. Do not resuscitate.  DEAD. The kids slept over and Grandma and Grandpa’s house because Rick had surgery #3 early that morning.  Surgery went reasonably well, except for the entertaining hallucinations Rick experienced coming out of the anesthesia.  He insisted that someone stole his shoes, his wallet and his clothes.  He repeatedly asked in a LOUD voice for beer in the wake-up room (he doesn’t drink beer!?!) I was WAY too uncomfortable to bring him home in that state, so we hung out for a while until my real husband partially returned.  We did make it home, but only to discover that Grandma had nearly passed out at her house and my kids had to call 911 to get the paramedics.  They were in the emergency waiting room by themselves.  I couldn’t leave my newly discovered boozer alone, so I called my brother to gather my children from the hospital. 

Then the downstairs toilet, which my drugged husband would require, backed up all over my tile floors.  Disgusting.  Called the plumber.  Called the home builder.  Called the plumber again.  THEN, my Dad, who was at the hospital with mom, decided to walk across the street to grab a bite to eat and GOT HIT BY A CAR.  Good grief.  He was banged-up but ok.  He had Mom’s emergency room doctor check him out since it was so handy.

Enter: Darla’s phone call to see how surgery went.  I lost it.  I’m not sure which incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back…. the washer…. the start of a week of nursing my husband who had a gaping leg wound…. my mother needing an ambulance ride…. my children having to take care of their passing-out Grandma… the toilet… the kids being left unattended in the hospital…. my dad getting hit by a car….   So within the hour Darla arrived to clean my stinky tile floors wearing this attractive outfit.  “It sounded like you needed comic relief,” she professed. So true.

I love these friends.  Everyone needs friends like these.  Thanks guys.