Laughing in the Midst of Purgatory, Part 2

Please read the previous post if you haven’t already.

The next day, after much laughter and hilarity and swearing on the phone, (I never say crappy out loud! I only spell it!) I realized that all my personal and family and business files are still on the email account to which I no longer have access. There is SO MUCH on there… medical info, log-ins for my different sites, copies of proposals, correspondence with publishers, disability info for our girl, all the info about changing the ESA law….. I NEED TO GET IT BACK!

My sister-in-law, Jennie, is a mastermind at computery affairs and let me in on the fact that everything that was ever on the internet is still out there in space and can be retrieved. IF YOU KNOW HOW! She then proved it to me by finding pages that I thought were lost for all eternity, saving me hours of brain power and typing time! It gave me hope.

Cox was contacted again. This time it was a nine minute hold time, but if my files can be retrieved it will be worth nine years of my time! Nice lady number two took my call. She asked me to verify my account with the phone number used to open the account. GREAT! I asked how many tries I get. She sort of chuckled and asked how many I need. I replied, “Three.” She obliged and try number three was the slam dunk. She shoots! She scores! The correct number was the house phone that has been shut off for five or six years. (Please remember that this account was only opened three years ago!) (Insert profuse eye roll.)

I explained that my account was shut down just last week, but I need access to the files. She searched her script …. and competently found section 127 where it read, “If the customer needs files from a closed account, send them to a tier two operator.” So off I went, transferring …  probably to India.

NO! It can’t be! Another person whose first language is English! It’s my lucky day! I should go buy a lottery ticket… except for we don’t gamble with the money the Lord has entrusted to us. Let’s move on. Nothing to see here, folks.

Once again, I lamented about my files in the inaccessible account. My newfound friend’s fingers were making a racket fiddling with her keyboard and I was put on “hopeful” hold numerous times. While she was digging for an answer, or my files, or playing Solitaire for all I knew, I decided to ask questions. Because that’s what homeschool moms do. We ask questions. ALL.DAY.LONG.

“Does Cox offer email accounts that aren’t attached to internet service?”

“Well, yes we do,” she claimed baffling me, “but only in certain markets. But you are in Phoenix and that market does have them still.” Well, glory be!

Through my mind went these random thoughts:

I don’t want to pay back $110 for my files! But I will.

What was that other birdbrain talking about… no emails without internet… GAH!

Do I even keep this account if I can get it back? They could close it again without telling me.

Is she simply acting like she’s trying to help me so I feel helped?

Eventually, the soft-spoken woman explained that this was beyond her capabilities and she would need to notify her supervisor who would call me back to answer my questions and find my files. Good. She asked for the best number to reach me. BAM!

Being an optimist, I believed her. It’s now been 24 hours with no return call. They probably called the dead house phone number, then sent a follow-up letter to Oklahoma.

Remembering more and more information that is stored in those missing files, my stomach began to roil in agitation. “Dear God, please let me get to my files,” was my last prayer uttered before heading upstairs to bed. Worn out and frustrated, I thought how could this get any worse?

Then out of nowhere, ZING! A blasted scorpion sunk its stinger in the side of my foot right by my little baby toe. SERIOUSLY!?! I’m not even joking.

People who don’t live in Arizona think a scorpion sting is the kiss of death. It’s not. Unless you weigh under 20 pounds. I don’t. I have been stung three or four times, so I quickly swallowed some ibuprofen, dabbed peppermint oil on the sting, and went to lie still in bed. You don’t want to pump the venom through your veins with activity. Today it is tender but I didn’t lose any sleep over the sting… or my files… thank the good Lord!

(Notice I refrained from mentioning that my husband owns and operates a pesticide business…. remind you of the cobbler whose children have no shoes? He does spray the house regularly, I simply find it ironic!)

 

 

 

Laughing in the Midst of Purgatory, Part 1

That is the title of the new book I’m writing about our lifelong struggle with an address change fiasco and our debit card nightmare. Every time a new frustrating glitch arises in our lives due to these two events that began in the summer of 2015, I think, “This HAS to be the last time.” And then no. I have another blog story to tell.

This one MIGHT take the cake. It is still not resolved. I am still hopeful. I am a diehard optimist. You have to be in these situations.

We switched our internet service from Cox to Century Link in 2013, however, we decided to keep paying $9.99/month for my email address at Cox because I have used it for 11 years and it is printed on the back of my books, on business cards, receipts, bookmarks, etc., etc., etc.

Last week I was not able to log on to my email account and the page read, “This account is closed. Please contact us.” WHAT? So I called, because it told me to and I obey the rules (if they are not stupid, in my humble opinion!)

After only a four minute hold, I was able to speak with a kind lady who read her script well… I almost couldn’t tell she was reading scripts. I refrained from asking how long she had had this job, because I’m nice and I needed her help. (My guess was one week!)

Guess! Just guess what she asked for first to verify my account???  YEP! My address. Somehow I knew this was not going to be the walk in the park I was hoping for. Thinking quickly that this account was opened three years ago, I gave our Arizona address where we have lived for 11 years. Nope. Wrong. Then I gave the Oklahoma address where our mail went for two months where we have never lived. Nope. Wrong. WHAT? She replied, you know, like I’m stupid and don’t know my address, “Have you lived anywhere else?” This account has only been open for three years…. I lived in this house that I am sitting in this very moment. So I gave the address of the house we lived in before 11 years ago. Yep. Oh my stars.

Okay, at least they gave me three tries. That was nice of her, although the script probably said, “After their third attempt, hang up on this moron.”

Next she proceeded to tell me that we missed a payment in October 2015. (This is August 29, 2016) I calculated back and yes, that was about the time of the first dumb debit card problem. I kindly asked why they didn’t inform us. She said they would have sent a letter. Great! It probably went to Oklahoma.

She said we acquired a late fee, plus we missed payments in November and December, both with late fees. I commented that we would have paid these, had we known about them. Then came my favorite part… they sent the account to collections, which we have never heard from. After that they closed the account. THAT would have been pertinent information to share with a customer, quite possibly through the avenue of the email account that was with their company. But no.

My email account was working all this time… until last week, August 24th, when I could no longer log on. (This saved my husband, Mr. Wallet, over $110!)

I was still remaining under control with my nice mom voice on. (That surprised even me!) At that point I inquired how I could get my email account back. Pausing, while searching her script for this question, she finally retorted, “We don’t have email accounts anymore that aren’t associated with our internet service.” A small swear word went through my mind, which is not like me at all. Thankfully it didn’t come out of my mouth. She then went to section 27 of her script and asked, “Would you like me to get you set up with internet service? But you would not be able to use the previous email address.”

At that point, I lost it. I laughed…. hard. Right in her ear. (Just like the picture!) When I was eventually able to speak, I asked her, “Why in the world would any customer come back to your company who has just shut down my personal email without contacting me, sent me to collections, and tell me that I need to go back to paying for your crappy internet service just to have an email account?” She paused. I don’t think she could find the word CRAPPY in her script. She stuttered, she spat, she slowly responded, “I’m just reading the script, Ma’am.” I laughed hard in her ear again. It was that guttural laugh that the Joker cackles on Batman like he is possessed or some such nonsense.

“Has any customer ever said yes to coming back?” I probed. Obviously that question wasn’t on the script either. Long pause.    …..      I wondered if she had fallen and couldn’t get up. I finally told her that I appreciated how patient she was finding my account but that she could help me no further that evening. And we hung up as friends.

Oh, it’s not over. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3. (Part 3 hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s coming because of how Part 2 went down.)

 

 

Summer Lovin’ Had Me a Blast!

Count it all joy. That’s in the Bible… yep. So I’m counting it all joy…. my summer fun. If you think purgatory isn’t real, I’ve got news for you. Here are the last month’s trips through address change hell and debit card dumbness. (And you thought it was all over months ago!) NO WAY, JOSE!

At the bank, our personal bank of more than eight years whom I have contacted I cannot tell you how many times to straighten out our address, we went in to open the Colombian princess’ 13-year-old account. They asked me to verify my address. I got it wrong. (My favorite part of this is when they look at me like I’m dumb. I don’t even know where I live! I should probably be in a home for the bewildered.) I tried again with an Oklahoma address where we have never lived… yep. OHMYSTARS! So they “fixed” it for the umpteenth time. Right! Until next month when I go back in for some other such banking service!

(Here are two people. One lives in Arizona. One lives in Oklahoma. BIG difference!)

Next, I needed to renew the hosting for my website. They asked for the last four digits of the card that was used to open the account. I replied, “That was three or four debit cards ago. I have no idea.” Then they asked to verify my address. I just flat out lied and said I have two… one in Arizona (where we have lived for 11 years) and one in Oklahoma (where we have never and will never live). I have both memorized. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this until now! It worked. Feeling all proud of myself…. for lying. See what this has come to?

Tonight I called an automated system to pay a bill. It is a bill that was on auto pay but must have missed the last new debit card change (after someone went all wild with my card on nike.com and zoolily.com) because it is four months overdue. I tried to use the automated system because it was after hours. The first question was to verify my street address… 2524… nope. We are at 2416… and the Oklahoma address is 500. So I tried to gain access with the last four digits of our social security numbers. Both were turned down, but I know those were right! Then they asked to verify the address again. I got it wrong again. I vaguely remembered that 2524 was our street address in a short term rental in between our homes 11 years ago. So I hung up and called back. I thought I was being all tricky, but it didn’t work. Dangitallanyhow.

Tomorrow I will call when I can go over all this again and again with a live person because I don’t have anything better to do with my time. And I like talking to people who don’t really believe what I’m telling them. It makes me miss the days of slamming down the phone receiver. Sigh.

Here’s my free advice: when your child gets married and moves away, volunteer to fill out the address change card FOR THEM! Don’t let them make the mistake on your watch of checking the “whole family” box on the pink form. It is painful and goes on forever and ever. Learn from our mistake, people!

Summer lovin’ had me a blast!

My New Debit Card is WORKING!

Yay! The new debit card I have had for a couple months is working! I haven’t had any issues with it, other than forgetting to slip it in the chip reader instead of swiping. On days when I should be napping, but am shopping, I still revert to the late 80s and hand my card to the tellers. These young whippersnappers have no clue that we have been handing over our cards for decades only to be retrained to swipe …. and now chip read. Good grief. I’m starting to believe that old-dog-new-trick-deal is real.

My new card is working so well, someone else decided to start using it too! Oh goodie!  Share the wealth! And Bernie isn’t even president!

Sitting on the couch, reading aloud Where the Red Fern Grows, our homeschool bliss was interrupted by my cell phone ringing. I only answer during school for the Principal of our homeschool. My sweet husband asked in a remarkably calm voice, “Um…. are you going all crazy buying things online today?” No, I hadn’t. But had I known he would respond so calmly about a $269 Zulily purchase and $170 of new Nikes, (plus a few other purchases) I might have considered a spending frenzy. I was just looking at Zulily a few days ago and they have some cute turquoise lacy tops that I would totally buy!

So, as you may have guessed, I called my bank. It’s my most unfavorite pastime. They can cancel a card in mere minutes. It’s remarkable! 1/100 of the time it takes them to get you a working card over the phone! And there were no security questions that I couldn’t answer. They didn’t even ask for my pin… THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW! And since I am smart to their ways of sending my new cards by tortoise, I asked where a local branch was that I could drive to TODAY to get a new card. BAM! The guy delivered three addresses all within ten minutes of the house! It made my pulse race.

Today I’m not wearing my “okay-to-be-viewed-by-strangers” clothes. I’m wearing my “wake-up-at-7:10-and-get-in-the-van-in-10-minutes” clothes. But I did not care that my attire and appearance might embarrass a child of mine in public because I did not have a working debit card!!!!! (Let’s switch things up for once, kiddos!)

Getting the new card at the bank was almost painless. The kind man, who gushed that he frequently gets mistaken for the Property Brothers, asked it I had recently shopped at a “large chain hardware store with an orange logo”? (He simply blurted out Home Depot, but I’m being all careful now.) YES! I just bought the new door handle for the front door that is the wrong size but my son installed anyway! However, his Property Brothers comment made me thankful that our bank services seeing-impaired individuals.

Use cash, people. Or barter. They’re the only safe ways nowadays.

Credit Card Issues from the NEW BANK!

I am on credit card Candid Camera. I’m sure of it.

With all the issues from our current bank with debit and credit card issues and address changes, we applied for a credit card from another institution, hoping and praying for better results.

There is no balance on the card…. it is for emergencies only.

Today I got a call saying that my payment was late and I needed to make a payment of $75 right now to set my account straight. Um…. $75 for what? I was on my way into an appointment, so I told the proper English-as-a-second-language fellow that I would call later and get to the bottom of this. He kept yammering. I said BYE! and hung up. See? I was nice and signed off.

I called later to get to the bottom of this. (Push 1 for English. Enter last four of SS#. Push 0 to speak with a live person. Hello! Name as it appears on the card. Last four of SS#. Full card #. Whew.)  I asked what my balance was. $59. …. $59 for what? (And what happened to $75? Should I hang up and call back for a lower amount again?) I asked them to check what the charges were. Seems there is an annual fee that they break up and charge monthly. (That info was probably detailed in that really long paper they gave me with font size 3 writing…) And we missed a payment. And now two month’s payments are due plus a late fee.

I told the kind man, who was probably in India taking my call, that I would not be paying the late fee for monthly charges that I did not realize were going on the account monthly. BAM! Last I knew the balance was ZERO.

He quickly took off the late charges (probably sensing my superpowers) and then……..  we were disconnected. Perfect.

Call #3 (Push 1 for English. Enter last four of SS#. Push 0 to speak with a live person. Hello! Name as it appears on the card. Last four of SS#. Full card #. Whew.) I got to chat with a kind lady… and had to explain everything that just happened again. I told her I was calling to make the payment, minus the late fee. She told me that she could see a credit for the late fee, but that the charge would not come off until next month. Seriously? However, she would be happy to take my payment, but there is a $9.95 fee for paying over the phone. Oh.My.Stars. Not happening.

My husband did not relish hearing this story (except the part where I refused to pay the late fee) and asked me to call back and tell them we want to pay the yearly fee one time. I did. (Push 1 for English. Enter last four of SS#. Push 0 to speak with a live person. Hello! Name as it appears on the card. Last four of SS#. Full card #. Whew.)They won’t. I asked kind-man-from-India-#3 if we could just pay the yearly fee and have a positive balance on the card and the monthly fee would be taken out each month.

I had to go on purgatory hold while he checked with a supervisor. Of course I did. Well, it seems that we CAN have a positive balance but our credit score will go down if we don’t use the card and pay it off monthly.

I think we accidentally got the credit card for kindergartners.

Debit Card Conundrum, Part I

At the Dollar Store I ran my debit card through the little machine and it was declined. There were sufficient funds in my account… by ten times at least, so I assumed it was the Dollar Store processing machine. They probably bought the machine at the 99 Cent Store.

Later that day I tried my debit card in a REAL store, Michael’s Craft Store, a legitimate establishment, and it was again denied. Something was up.

I called my bank and was told that my debit card had been closed. Not the account, just the card I use to access the account. My replacement debit card with the newfangled chip had been mailed to me in early September. The same time period when our mail was temporarily detouring to Oklahoma for three weeks… thanks to our married daughter changing her mailing address. I explained that I did not receive my new card. Fix it, please.

The kind man had to make sure that my new missing card had not been activated…. it had not. Thank goodness. So he closed that card and proceeded to open a third card that I could actually use. However, I had to answer some security questions. No prob, slob. I know my mother’s maiden name and the street I grew up on and my first pet’s name and my high school mascot. Easy peasey.

The first question was “When did you open this account?”

I replied, “I don’t know.”

“Ma’am, you have to answer the question or I can’t open a new card for you. Here are your multiple choice answers…. 2011, 2008, 2009, 2006.”

I let him know that multiple choice wouldn’t help me. I thought hard and counted back…. and guessed. Wrong.

Next question, “Were you ever employed at one of these businesses?” He named three businesses that I had never heard of, and then one where my husband used to work over 15 years ago.

“Sir, this is my personal account, in my name only. My husband used to work at choice D, but I have never worked at any of those places. So I choose E, none of the above.” Wrong.

“Sir, how many questions can I get wrong and still get a card?” He wasn’t sure, but kept going.

“What was the name of the high school you attended?” BAM! I got one right without hesitation!

“Sorry, ma’am, you have missed too many and you need to go into a bank and prove your identity.” But I got that one right. Why weren’t the questions stopped at two wrong???

I assumed security questions were to keep strangers out of my account. Apparently, they are to keep everyone out, including me.

So my busy day ended with me screeching my tires into the bank parking lot four minutes before it closed so I could prove who I am and get a card to use… although it had to be mailed to me in five business days.

Please stay tuned for parts II and III and the Debit Card Conundrum.