A Big FAT FAIL!!!

This past week I realized that I had not gone into Zaza’s room since we declined the referral on the 18th.  After mentioning this to my husband, he suggested I venture back into the golden-yellow oasis of flowers and butterflies and tea sets and dress-up clothes.  So I did.  Bravely, kind of.  Can you be sort of brave?

To my surprise, our son Keeve had moved back in during my absence.  His trombone, music stand and he has a bag of his personal items… more commonly referred to as his bag of junk… that scooted back in there and made itself a home.  (Hey, it’s better than a bag of hair… anybody seen Fever Pitch?!?)  It is a remnant of his days when he slept in the purple bed.  It’s a huge lime green with purple polka-dots gift bag that is ripped down one side.  We simply never found a home for that stuff when he moved back into the big bedroom with his brother.  It’s a good collection of stuff too: a photo of his friend Connor’s orange cat from California, an Iron Man mask, a few magic tricks like the disappearing penny and the three red balls that turn into two, and many hockey cards, some pucks, a few cardboard guitars, marbles and twist-tie necklaces that were made while shopping in the produce section of Walmart.  Good stuff!

I’ve never understood the “closing of the nursery door” that so many childless parents go through, until now.  I get it… a teeny bit.  Nora’s picture is still standing on my desk in a pale green frame.  At first, I didn’t even want to look at it, but my husband suggested that we keep it up as a reminder to pray for her and her forever family.  She keeps staring at me.  Reminding me that we said no.  I’ve also come to realize that if we received her referral later in life with none of our kids left at home, we would have accepted it.  That soothed my soul, somehow.  We weren’t saying NO to her.  We were saying NO to right now with these three children still in our care.  That soothed my soul too…. somehow.

In the dark of the night, I admitted to my sweet husband that I feel like we’ve gone through nearly four years of adoption emotions, upheaval, paperwork and disappointment to come out with a big fat FAIL.  F!  I have felt like it’s all over now.  We didn’t win.  We lost.  Game over.  I’ve been avoiding the adoption topic in my mind for two weeks.

In reality, we just hit yet another bump in the road to our little girl.  But I’m not fully back on the bandwagon yet.  I did venture off to a new Bookman’s store in Mesa and found two full shelves of adoption books that I’ve not read yet.  (This is what I do in the adoption low periods… I read tales of successful adoptions… reminding me that orphans do get forever families…. mommies do get to kiss soft cheeks… eventually.)  I narrowed the pile to five and then to three books.  I actually found a book about a family from San Jose, California (where I grew up) that adopted a five-year-old girl from Colombia!  It brought many fears and tears to the surface, but it did prepare me a little bit more for our eventual travel… to our daughter.

No More Hot Wheels under the Purple Bed!

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of, dream about, pray for and long to hug and kiss our little Zaza who is STILL in Colombia waiting for us.  Nov. 7th officially marks our 9th month of waiting for our adoption referral.  When we initially heard 2 to 30 months….. we hoped and prayed it would be closer to the 2.  Well there’s still five months to go on the “closer” side. 

The Colombian courts close from Dec. 15 to Jan. 15, much to this adoptive mom’s chagrin.  When we do receive the referral, we get the profile checked out by a pediatrician familiar with international adoption and the we give our answer.  (YES!… duh!)  Then we travel within two weeks.  So FAST, it’s scary.  The clincher is that depending upon which region Zaza is living in, we could stay from 4 to 8 weeks in Colombia.  It’s all up to the courts. 

Sadly, there is now not enough time before their Christmas break to fit in the 2 weeks plus 4-8 weeks.  So it’ll be 2009 when we meet our girl.  Yes, we started this whole deal in 2006…….  I can’t say that waiting makes it sweeter… just longer.

Anyway, we’ve been in process so long that our USCIS approval needs and extension and an update to our homestudy.  Since our agency closed a few months back, we had to find a new social worker in AZ who is Hague compliant.  (Hague is the new international regulators/rule makers for adoptions.)  So this Saturday from 2:00 to 3:00 p.m. we meet our new case worker and she tours Zaza’s prospective home.  Not a big deal if you keep your house clean and tidy all the time.  BIG HAIRY DEAL if you only keep the downstairs clean and tidy.

Zaza’s room is ready for her…. has been since January.  The walls are painted yellow.  Her vintage, wooden, carved canopy bed from Auntie Connie is painted purple.  The ribbon-encircled lamp is glowing on her curvy, vintage dresser from Auntie Julie.  The lavender butterfly rug from Auntie Donna is snug by the bed.  The blue turtle from Auntie Jill is sitting on the shelf.  The Beatrix Potter book from Auntie Darla is sitting next to the blue turtle on the shelf.  There are even frilly dresses on pink hangers hanging in her closet from Auntie Jilly too.  Just last week Mom and I found a darling, carved wood, two-drawer bedside table… from Grandma.  I still need to repaint it and find knobs, but I had to run up and put it in there to envision Zaza opening the drawers to hide her treasures.

However, our son Keeve decided to keep the bed warm until Zaza gets here.  So, with the 2:00 visit only 48 hours away, Keeve and I cleaned up the Hot Wheel tracks, rolled up the city road rug, put G.I. Joe back in his box, and put Lightning McQueen in the garage sale pile.  It looks like a girly-girl room again and there are officially no more Hot Wheels under the purple bed.  Whew.

Checked-Off Check-Off Lists… These are a few of my favorite things

Rick was off work yesterday (and he didn’t even break the plane so he could stay home!) so I made a gigantic check-off list of tasks to be completed.  Next week is Spring break and we have house guests coming.  Our home and yard were crying out for attention.  Believe me, they got our full attention yesterday. 

I’m REALLY proficient at making check-off lists.  Some people are born check-offers.  I am a card-carrying, due-paying member of the Check-Off List Cadre.  I’m even the anal type that draws little boxes to be checked off.  Nothing bugs me more than a To-Do list with the items scribbled out so the memory of the task is gone and there is no long-lasting sense of accomplishment.  What’s the point of that?

In my “Save” file, I have a few crinkly, stained check-off lists of old.  My personal favorite is from our Yucca Street house when we decided to sell the 30+ year old home.  Oh my goodness.  That list still makes my head buzz.  We conquered more tasks on that house in six weeks, than we have in all our other houses added together.  Whew.  That’s why I saved it.  Some day when my grown, fully-trained, married and moved-on children call home to complain of a few house repairs, I can copy the list and send it to them.  No sympathy here, baby.  It could also be used as a boost in the caboose, as THEY did a lot of the jobs listed, even at their tender, young ages of 5,7 and 10.

I’m thrilled with Zaza’s room.  The buttery walls melt in your mouth… well maybe not, but I did have an urge to eat popcorn when we finished.  The chair rail is up.  We sank the nails, filled the holes, caulked the corners and repainted over the Spackle.  Oh, it looks GOOOOOOOOOD!  Then, the moment I’ve been waiting for for months… we put the purple bed together.   Makes my heart glad.  Sadly, I don’t have bedding, so I can’t put the picture on the blog yet.  Please stay tuned.

After our house finished crying-out for attention, my arms and legs took on the crying-out task, due to the meed after manual labor.  Good grief, weeding saps your strength! 

I need to go brush my teeth, but my legs hurt just imagining the climb up the stairs.  (Reminds me of my kids’ excuses!)

Updates

 

(Photo by Whitney Nikander: Auntie Linda’s favorite flower)

I thought I would post a few updates on the Crosby Family happenings.

Adoption:  30 days have passed since our approval for Zaza, our little girl from Colombia.  We won’t hear anything for another month, at least.  (Sigh.)  We did receive a grant from Shoahannah’s Hope!  Praise God!

Purple Beds and Yellow Room:  The yellow room got painted today!  WOoo HOoo.  I also painted all the bars for the top of the canopy bed.  I can’t wait to put it together and take a picture to post!  I also painted the frame for the mirror above the dresser.  So curvy and cute.

Book:  I just found out the release date for my book, Laughing in the Midst of Mothering, is March 25!!!  That’s only 17 days away!  I got to see the back cover this week and the inside pages with new added color.  Everything looks marvelous.  Can’t wait to show you. 

Website:  It’s coooooommmmmming.  Hopefully it will be up and functional on March 28th.  Boy, it is a lot of work!

Hockey:  Austin and Keeve both have one more season game and then two playoff games.  We’ll kiss hockey season goodbye on March 31.

Homeschool:  One week and counting until Spring Break!  Terry and Jennie and kids are coming from BC to party with us. 

Coupon Sense:  I just had to add that one….. 10 free boxes of Cinnamon Life Cereal this week.  :o)  Also free:  Crest mouthwash, Vitamin C, lip balm, toothbrushes, etc., etc.  It is seriously addicting.  My savings for this week were 68%.

Enjoy what’s left of the weekend.  Peace out.  Linda 

OOOOh, I love a good sale!

I’m only to be buying things we NEED right now.  The word NEED gets really fuzzy in my mind when I find darling purple or yellow decorations on clearance for Zaza’s room.  Zaza is the name we’ve temporarily given our little Colombian girl until we find out her given name.  The lamp was 75% off…… a mere $7.48… you can’t even buy all that trim for $7.  It was a sign from on high.  Thankfully I recognized it! 

Then in Kohl’s department store, I was wandering around enjoying a few moments to myself, and I happened upon the Me and My Big Sister frame….. 80% off.  Another sign.  When we first told our daughter, Larisa, that we were praying about adopting a little girl, she cried.  “I always wanted a sister, especially when I see you buy things for Auntie Christy, like the Chicken Soup Book for Sisters.”  I brought the frame home and gave it to Larisa…. she teared up again.  I can’t wait to finally take a picture of my two girls and put it in there.

I might as well report my Coupon Sense savings as well from Walgreen’s today, since I’m on the good sale topic:  I got 4 boxes of Anti-Viral Kleenex, 1 Aussie Conditioner, 2 Aussie Mousse, 1 Aussie Hair Spray, 2 Aussie Scrunch Spray, 1 bottle Multi Vitamins for women.  Would have cost:  $44.22.  With coupons, cash back and 1 rebate, I paid $3.60.  Saved 92%!  Shop Strong!

When Part of your Heart is Away from Home

 

My mind often wonders what our little three to four-year-old, black-haired girl looks like.  I’m assuming her hair is dark and her eyes are brown, but I’ve been wrong before when guessing the coloring of my children.  These are pictures of little Colombian girls, so she might resemble one of them.  Simply beautiful.  Each one.  Only God knows what she looks like at this point, but not a day goes by when I’m not wondering. 

I had the same experience when I was expecting each of our three kids – wondering about their appearance.  Two of the three times, I was VERY surprised by the looks of my babies.  How does a black-haired, olive-skinned, brown-eyed man and a brown-haired, fair-skinned, green-eyed woman have TWO blonde-haired, pale-faced, blue-eyed kids????  I imagine God laughing and saying to Peter, or Paul, or Mary… “Watch this.  I’m giving this couple two children that look nothing like them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Watch the looks on their faces!”

We have been told that our wait will be between 2 and 30 months. Why not just tell us, 2 and 600 months?  It feels the same.  Someone asked me yesterday if we are taking turns sitting by the phone, waiting for the call.  Nope.  Today is day 17…….. 43 days until the estimated earliest call.  I’m not sure if we’ll be hanging by the phone then either.  I’m the type who stays busy so the waiting doesn’t hurt so much.

The purple bed painting task was finished yesterday.  Oh, it’s darling.  I bought the box spring this week, so it’s ready to be put together.  I would love to get the room painted buttery yellow before the bed goes in.  It’s so much more convenient to paint an empty room.  (Anyone else ever stepped in the paint rolling tray in a cramped room full of furniture?) Will she like her yellow walls?  I hope so.  Will she color on her yellow walls? Probably. Will I be mad?  I don’t think so.

Adoption feels like a piece of me is missing, well, because it is.  I lost my heart in Colombia, even though I haven’t been there yet.  I wonder if this missing-ness grows as we wait.  Will it get so big that I jump with every ring of the phone?  Will our little black-haired angel eventually fill my thoughts, pushing out all else?  We’ll see.  I’m staying true to form.  I’ve never been good at waiting….

Purple Beds and our Black-haired Girl

Ta da.  The magazine photo spread that inspired my current decorating undertaking.  Don’t ask me why, but I LOVE the PURPLE beds.  What’s up with that?  I love the buttery yellow walls, the chandelier, the white dresser with purple drawers, the flowery rug… I could go on and on…. the tea table, the flower hooks on the wall…… but the purple beds are just plain Quaint (with a capital Q).

Thanks to our dear friends, Bruce and Connie, we have a darling, curvy, wooden canopy bed with a spread of ribbons and flowers engraved on the headboard (that needed to be repainted.) Add the magazine inspiration, and what do you get?  Me painting a headboard, foot-board, four spindled posts and four swirly knobs PURPLE all afternoon.  And can I just comment that with paint you get what you pay for.  I paid quite a little fistful for this miniature can of grape-ish goodness, but it goes on super smooth like Skippy creamy peanut butter.  Well worth my husband’s hard-earned money.

Why the purple bed? you ask.  We were approved last week for our adoption of our little girl!  Wooo Hoooo!  So the call could come anytime from tomorrow until two years down the road… and she’ll need a purple bed.  Better sooner than later, is my motto.  I’m onto the purple drawers next, then the yellow walls that are calling my name in the night.

As I painted today, I couldn’t help but think about our daughter with black hair.  We requested a 3-5 year old, so she is down in Colombia right now, waiting for us to come and get her to bring her home.  In that specific country the referral is the last piece of the puzzle, so we have not been matched with her yet.  But I wondered this afternoon, amongst the paint fumes in my high-water navy sweat pants (for painting only), what is she doing today?  Playing with a doll?  Running on the grass?  Is she hungry?  Does she like to sing? And how can I love a child this much whom I haven’t met? 

Now that we are officially “waiting parents” it hit me today that with the purple bed painted, we are one step closer to tucking her in at night.  Telling her that she is loved.  And that listless feeling inside of me will also be put to rest, when all four of our kids are cozy under this roof.  She has no idea that I painted her bed purple today… but I did… especially for her.

www.LindaCrosby.com