Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

In the year of our Lord 2016 decorating the Christmas tree, for some strange reason, went down a little different than any past year I can recall. My husband was here “helping.” Now I get the song God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman! Just go take a nap already!

Last week some thoughtful male in our home brought the Jenny Craig imitation tree into the living room for me. How nice! Except that it didn’t get covered all year from Last Christmas and was filthy. Upon request, a son of mine dragged it to the backyard for me and I gave it quite the shower…. lights and all. I couldn’t remember if the lights actually worked and I knew we had 27 million strings of lights from our daughter’s wedding in the garage. Her wedding wasn’t IN the garage… that’s where the lights were.

A day later an extension cord was also brought to the backyard to see if the shower killed the lights. Surprisingly, they worked! Joy to the World! Back in the house that skinny tree was dragged.

Decorate-the-O-Christmas-Tree day quickly turned into clean-out-the-garage day, much to my chagrin. It all started at 10 a.m. with the typical where-is-the-box-with-the-decorations search and recover mission. Then the shelves got cleaned out and the toilet paper and paper towels were put on the clean shelves. Then we swept the garage floor. Then the camping equipment got put back on the shelves. Then a ton of junk got thrown out. Then I got a big scrape on my arm that produced blood. Then we swept the garage floor again. Then we threw out the dilapidated camping chairs that served their purpose for 11 strong years. (This is how my kids write stories. Every sentence starts with “then.” It really holds the interest of the readers and keeps the story moving along rapidly.) Then we found the bag of sheep’s wool that we will need to study sheep in January. Then we were all hungry. Then the Popsicle man came at the right moment. Then five kids from the youth group showed up and ate tacos at our kitchen table.

Side note: this was a stay-at-home-and-look-ugly day. I hadn’t even brushed my hair. I did brush my teeth because you can only be so gross on a stay-at-home-and-look-ugly day. I was sporting a red t-shirt, grey bally sweat pants that are floods, fuzzy black slippers and a light blue and pink Peter Rabbit apron covered with ruffles. The Popsicle man is probably used to this sort of housewife-dressing-down-deal. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

It was 7:30 p.m. when Nora, our 13-year-old, could not take the suspense any longer and begged to decorate the tree. Okay, Okay! Don’t get pushy! Let’s get this Blue Christmas rolling!

We weren’t ten minutes into our mission when realization hit me that my husband hasn’t really helped hang ornaments on the tree for YEARS! He was not aware of the ornament rules and was breaking the ornament rules faster than I could instruct him in the ways of righteousness. Little ones on top. Big ones on bottom…. but not the last row of branches. Ugly ones in the back. Elvis ones in the back. (I had to make that two rules so Rick didn’t know I think the Elvis ornaments are ugly. Shhhh.) Expensive ones at eye level and next to lights. Sheesh. How hard is it? It was notably NOT a Silent Night!

Here is the front and center of our tree: (Several rules are broken!)

Then he figured since I had rules, he needed to make some rules. “Don’t linger by the ornament box! Just pull out your ornament and move away from the box!” Sheesh! I’ll admit I rolled my eyeballs toward heaven a few times and thanked God that He gave me All I Want for Christmas in this helpful man.

So, It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas at the Crosby homestead! I pray your decorations went up with glee! May your Christmas be merry and bright at this Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

This Mama’s Rules

I got to thinking the other day, because that’s what Mamas do. And I realized that every Mama has her own set of rules that her kids are VERY familiar with and can quote back to their Mama. Here are a few of my own examples:

1. “Do not put your bum where food goes.”  Translation: do not sit on the kitchen table or counters. Ewwww.

2. “Don’t shoot your mother.” This one goes without saying. It doesn’t matter what you are shooting: nerf guns, bb guns, rubber bands, the kitchen sprayer, spit wads, the hose, darts…. etc.

3. “You can go play in the wilderness if three of you go together. That way if one of you dies, one can watch the body while the other runs for help.”  Self explanatory.

4. “The loudest child sits in the back seat of the van.” Also self explanatory.

5. “If you ‘call’ something, you don’t get it.” I.e., “I call the front seat.”  You’re now in the back. “I call the last piece of pumpkin pie!” One of your siblings will now enjoy it.

6. “If you put restaurant left overs in the fridge without writing your name on it… you may as well kiss it goodbye.”

7. “If you are in the kitchen and the trash needs to go out, it is YOUR turn to take it out.”

8. “Ask dinner guests three questions about themselves and then you may leave the table.”

9. “Always look people in the eye when you speak to them… and SMILE.”

10. “If and when you say ‘I’m bored’ I will find a chore for you…. every time.”

They are straight forward and have worked for years.

What are your personal rules???

Post Office Rules…

are not to be taken lightly.  I think it was because of the holiday yesterday, but the line at the post office was out of control this afternoon.  I’m a regular at this little out-of-the-way USPS in Anthem.  The line, at most, has never been more than five people long.  There are usually two if not three tellers.  So it’s never more than a 15 minute visit.  Today’s load of eBay parcels was seven strong, with one being very heavy!  So Larisa came with me and we left the swine twins at home to cough on each other.  (Their fevers did break and they are well enough to fight over who is going first on the wii …. so I felt alright leaving them for a bit.)

Enter the crazy line at the post office.  Seriously, there were at least 15 people in line.  I love watching people and today was no exception.  There was a darling little brown-eyed girl who just couldn’t keep herself from spinning and dancing in her cute little pink shoes.  She showed us her pink underwear too, much to her mother’s horror.  So cute!

There were two different ladies, one a 65 year old woman and the other an 18 year old tall, thin hoop player, who were behind me a few folks back.  Both were visiting the post office to pick up a parcel.  I knew this because they came in carrying the flimsy pale orange cards.  I let them know that they didn’t have to wait in line (being an expert on postal procedures and all.) They could knock on the blue half door and IF someone was back there, they could pick up their parcels quickly.  They knocked and knocked.  No one answered, so they took their respective places back in line. 

About 15 minutes later (I was now #8 in line) a postal working lady did indeed open the blue half door and ask, starting at the front of the line, if anyone was just picking up… NOT sending something out.  So the two ladies and two other gentlemen went and lined up in front of the blue half door…. in the same order they were in line.

The postal working lady was obviously of the rule-following sort because she instructed the three people behind #1 to get back in the big line where they had just come from.  So, with perplexed and “she’s crazy” looks on their faces, they obeyed.  The postal lady closed the blue half door to retrieve the first parcel and the folks in line burst out laughing, including Larisa and I.  The tall girl said something to the effect of “What difference does it make if we line up at the door?”  A guy in the back sarcastically said, “There are rules to follow! And the line is a BIG deal!”  And we all laughed again. 

One by one the postal lady called the people from the line and helped them.  And we all laughed every single time she shut the blue half door to get the packages.  I’m sure she could hear us.  We never did figure out the whole deal.  But rules are made to be followed!  And postal workers are paid to enforce the rules!  So don’t try any funny stuff next time you’re at the post office.  It won’t work.