Hello, My Name is Linda

Yes, this is another blog relating the to car accident that I unwillingly participated in 3 1/2 weeks ago.  A deep fog has permeated my brain for three weeks leaving me wondering what my childrens’ names are, grasping for common words like “ride” and “sit”, and feeling vulnerable and alone.  Yes, it is drugs.  Yes, I’ve written about this before when I was on narcotics for tooth pain.  I had forgotten the lonely drug induced blanket that wraps itself around your neck for days on end.  Finally, when I was thinking homeschooling was pretty well done for the year (with two more months to go) I went to visit my doctor.  Sorry, pupils.

Typically I am an in-control woman.  Administration is one of my gifts, as well as teaching, organizing and being sarcastic.  But I could do none of those while the blanket hugged me like a scratchy wool scarf.  Sitting on the tissue papered table at the physician’s office, I tried to explain in my not-usually-wobbly-voice that I am on an involuntary emotional roller coaster because of the drugs.  My voice never wobbles.  But it wobbled woefully.  “I need to gain control of my life again,” I feebly explained.  “Is there a pain medication that conquers pain but doesn’t leave people in this fog?”  And there is.  Thank God!  It’s in a 3-day patch that transdermally inputs the drug into your system at a consistently controlled rate.  No more roller coastering for me, baby.

I am now addicted to a little 3/4″ x 1″ plastic patch.  And I’m okay with that.  I was missing me.  I’m partially back.  Doing simple tasks like showering or making waffles are still followed up with a two hour nap.  But I’m okay with that too.  I know my limits.  It’s two outings per day… only twice or three times per week.  More than that and I break out in a sweat.

Hope returned yesterday when I broke out the botany text book and decided school would be underway once again.  It will be more self-guided than teacher-ruled, as is my persuasion.  Flowers and pollination will be devoured by my little busy bees for the next few weeks.  I even found an activity requiring powdered donuts to demonstrate cross-pollination.  Homeschooling rocks…. or blooms in this case.

Question of the Day…… What’s up with Excuses?

What is up with kids and excuses?  I am entirely amused at the plethora of “reasons” my kids manufacture when asked to do something.  This is really indicating a flaw in our parenting… that we haven’t taught them to respond favorably.  But WE HAVE!  The good Lord knows that we have.

Here are some classics when asked to take out the trash:

“I have to go to the bathroom.”  Did he just figure that out at that moment?  Did the word chore cause urine to fill his kidneys?   How long had he been holding it?  If I didn’t ask him to remove the rubbish, would he have drenched his drawers?

“That’s (my sibling’s) job.”  Did I ask who’s job it was?  Does he think I can’t read the chore chart?  Last time I was tested, I read at an 8th grade level.  And frankly, if you’re passing through the kitchen when the trash needs to go out, I don’t care who’s job it is. 

“Can I just finish this (Wii) game?”  No, because when the game is over, you won’t remember what I asked you to do.  And I have seen the kids reset the games when they thought I wasn’t looking.  I have eyeballs on the back of my head, remember?!  Memo to the kids: Mom knows there is a pause button on the Wii.

And my favorite responses to questions regarding regular daily hygiene routines:

Mom:  “Did you brush your teeth?”

“Almost.”  Now, what in the world does that mean?  You got the toothbrush coated with the sparkly, minty goodness, but didn’t quite get the dental cleaning device into your mouth?  Or, you were heading to the bathroom, but got distracted by a Hot-Wheel?

“I did yesterday.”  Great.  Just great.  Is that supposed to bring me comfort? If you plan on ever getting married, that answer needs to be reconsidered.  Do you like the fuzzy teeth feeling?  Did you notice that your teeth feel differently when they have been brushed?  Don’t you like that clean, smooth surface when you run your tongue over shiny teeth?

Mom:  “Did you take a shower?”

“I don’t need one.”  Did I say, ‘Do you need a shower?’ No.  O.K., and do I have the only working nose in this household?  Did you play hockey and wear a helmet and get all sweaty?  Bingo!  You need a shower.

“I took one two days ago.”  That’s nice.  Thanks for sharing.  Did you happen to notice the dirt, not only on the bottom of your feet, but on the top?  Boys stink after one day.  Even if they sit still reading silently in a clean house…. they still build up stink…. somehow.  Showers stop stink.

“I’m not dirty.”  Did I ask if you were dirty?  Somehow I think we gradually begin to see dirt as we age.  And that is only on others.  Kids don’t see dirt on themselves, only on others, and only if it’s REALLY obvious.  Have you noticed?  It might have something to do with them not being able to see over the bathroom counter to the mirror yet??? 

“A little dirt don’t hurt.”  First of all, it’s DOESN’T…. dirt doesn’t hurt.  And did I say it hurt?  No.  I said, did you take a shower.  Answer the proverbial question……. please!

Thanks for letting me vent.  If only I could relay all my sarcastic answers to the kids, I wouldn’t need a blog.  But alas, we are trying to discourage sarcasm……