I AM STILL ALIVE!

Hello! My name is Linda and this is my blog. The last time I wrote here to share my views and joy with the world wide web was August 4, 2017… … 559 days ago. So, I completely understand why some of you thought I died and you missed my funeral.

In reality, I did die many times in those 559 days. My life changed on several fronts.

Those whom I considered true friends turned away…. as recently as the last two months. Things in my life that I thought were solid were not. My expectations have been drawn lower. Sadly, my skepticism has grown in comparison. More sadly, my passion for writing dried up. Joy was sucked out of my life. Until tonight.

But this I know, my God is who He says He is… and He is faithful and true, compassionate and comforting. His grace is abundant as well as His forgiveness. He filled me with a love that I have never experienced until the carefully guarded pieces of my life that I held on a pedestal crumbled beyond my control… and I leaned into God. Never doubting.

Worship music about my Jesus fed life into my dry and aching soul like clear sweet water on my parched tongue. Songs like Just Give Me Jesus and Stand in Your Love and Fight My Battles. Months were spent curled up on my bed with my face in my tear-soaked pillow while Just Give Me Jesus played on repeat next to me on my nightstand…. the surrounding carpet littered with wadded tissues.

I have changed. And I have come to know that there is purpose in pain. We suffer in Christ so we can minister to others who suffer. Freedom has a price.

There are friendships for a season. There are those who should remain at an arm’s distance from our hearts. People let us down. I was not supposed to be so fully trusting in people… only in my Lord.

Blessings abound in true friendship. Seven dear friends stood by me and met my needs. Comfort with shared tears. Showing up at my doorstep with my favorite Starbucks drink. A frappe for a day of crap. They phoned to make sure I was eating. Texted just to regularly connect. And two new friendships were formed. Bound in love and sorrow… and hope.

The suffering here on earth is helping fix my eyes on the eternal prize of living with Jesus forever. Only then will we live without tears, pain and disappointment. I look forward to that day with renewed vigor. Just give me Jesus.

I also realized that I truly do believe what I have been taught my whole life… and what I have taught my children. Forgiven people forgive people. Hurt people hurt people. Love overcomes all. God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit are real and very close to the brokenhearted.

Joy is returning in little glimpses. Watercolor paintings of feathers. Red-throated House Finches and mahogany-masked House Sparrows visiting my feeder. Lavender hyacinths bursting with God’s perfumed fragrance. He loves to spoil us.

I am thankful. Grateful. Renewed.

Welcome back to me.

 

 

March 2016 is upon Us! (what?)

To say I have been busy lately is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. In January and February I have been away from home 19 nights… not all for total relaxation, but close. Thankfulness is alive and well in my heart, but still, home life goes on and needs attention. Plants die without mama.

There is a relief in the force (as opposed to a disturbance) as Nora’s online school is over. We “affectionately” called it Stupid School. And it is OHHH-VER! What I learned from this experience: RUN as fast as you can from public online school. They do not care about your kid even 1/100 of what you do. Parents have the final say… period. It’s MY kid. Not yours. We endured the 100 days required to qualify for her to have double the time with her reading specialist, whom we love. Now we are in a blissful state of Little House on the Prairie…. quilting, cooking, planting, playing, discovering, reading and of course we are on season four, episode five of the Prairie-thon. Perfection! Homeschooling rocks my socks.

Today is March. How in the world did that happen? This month marks THREE YEARS since my car accident where the uninsured 19-year-old gal pulled in front of me and I hit her good. The steering wheel air bag malfunctioned and only came out one side, impacting my right shoulder. March 2016 marks THREE YEARS of my shoulder hurting every day. I am not one to whine or complain (unless we share a bed) so most people are surprised to hear this news. Low-grade constant pain is exhausting. Seriously.

Name a type of shoulder pain therapy, I guarantee I have tried it unsuccessfully. I do have a few fond memories of quirky attempts, such as the acupuncturist who put a ring of 12 needles in my shoulder and explained the it was called “Circle the Dragon” and would relieve my pain. I rebuked the dragon and called it “Circle the Wagons” but still, it did nothing. Then there was the medieval torture tools that were dragged and scraped on my shoulder creating colorful bruises… all for naught.

Today, March 1, 2016, I endured a shoulder MRI with contrast injection. Tears running down into my ears, it was all I could do to lie still and breathe. The doctor informed me that this was the epiphany of tests and he WILL be able to tell me what’s wrong. Good. I hope he’s right and no more needles are necessary… wagons or dragons.

My 17-year-old son, Keeve, drove me to my appointment for moral, emotional and physical support. I just returned home to collapse and do nothing for the rest of the day. Eight hours til bedtime. Kids, you’re on your own for dinner. It is Taco Tuesday and there is a Rubio’s gift card in my wallet. If you read my blog, you score.

Go with God.

Mr. Golden Sun!

Recently I finished reading a memoir from a young mother’s life whose “cute-little-yellow-house-with-a-white-picket-fence” plan didn’t turn out as she had dreamed it would. Through many rough patches it turned out even better because of the woman she is now after having gone through heartache. It got me thinking…. I am a cup-half-full person, even if there are only a few drips left in the cup. I usually write about happiness and marshmallows and rainbows and adoption and vacations and chocolate and artwork and all the lovely things that make me smile….. BECAUSE I’m a cup-half-full person. (And gardening and thrift shopping and playhouses and chicken coop construction!) After reading Bloom, I realized that hurting people relate to hurting people. A bond is created when you realize that someone else has been here (horrible!) and gone through this (difficult x 10!) and survived (amazing!)…. and still smiles and laughs.

I have not come out on the “still smiles and laughs” side of the little fender bender that was 11 months ago today.  And I feel like a whiner when I see others who have gone through horrific rehabilitation, or illness, or the loss of someone they love, and circumstances so much worse than my aching arm. But an achy arm has altered my life and I am not through the fire yet. For a while, mid-October, it was seemingly better. But now, mid-February, I’m back to 24/7 pain. A royal pain in the arm! This is why my blogging has slowed to a snail’s pace… slower than molasses in January. Constant pain wears on your brain. It is exhausting. I refuse to touch the pain meds again, as the horrific “coming clean” five-day-episode is burned in my mind as something I never want to experience EVAH again. So I do a little less than I used to. I’m in the slow lane. And I’m more emotional than per-usual.

Last night I came THIS CLOSE to not having enough energy to get myself ready to go to church. Then I sucked it up and brushed my teeth and hair… and went in the same jeans and pink t-shirt that I had been wearing for two days. I was holding up so well until a friend asked how I was feeling… and the dam broke and I was a pitiful teary-eyed mess. “Tonight, it’s bad,” I replied through quivering lips. Normally, I’m not like this… whimpering and soggy… and it’s hard to accept the “momentary me.” But sometimes life stinks… and there is pain… and you cry when you don’t want to.

Like the author of the book I mentioned, I hope to come through this with a fiery zeal that will spurn others on through tough times. I want to be the one bringing meals, and running errands for friends, and dropping by to help with housework. I feel like my sunshine is missing, well, because it is. I need to sing a few rounds of Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me!

So hang in there if you are holding on by a thread. Life ebbs and flows… comes and goes… and the clouds do have a silver lining. God is still on the throne and still loves me and you! He is a constant through this mess and that knowledge does my heart good!

Come on and sing with me, Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me! Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, hiding behind that tree. This whiny mother is asking you, to please come out so I can play with you. Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on, please shine down on, please shine down on me!

It’s TRUE!

That ago old adage that I’ve heard since birth uttered from parents, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” IS TRUE!  Be warned.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Parenting is not easy, but it is worth it 27 gazillion times more than the pain it brings.  Yesterday was the first time I lived through “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” from the parenting side of the equation.  Details need to be kept to a minimum, but a HUGE decision was made by my husband and myself that not only affects one of our children, but is one of those examples to all of our children who will remember forever, “When mom and dad ask you to do something… they mean it.”

I think I cried more than the child did.  My husband called a couple of times throughout the day and asked, “How are you doing?” not how is the child doing.  The child will be fine… and stronger for it, we hope.  I was a mess.  I always want to be known as the dream builder, not the dream crusher…. but sometimes when we see discrepancies between what we have taught and how the child is behaving…. dreams have to be put on hold.  We have to go in reverse for a bit and re-learn a few character issues that were obviously taken too lightly.  Delay is not denial… I learned that from my baby sister.  It applies here.  Delay is also dumb when we are not getting our own way… which leads us back to character issues AGAIN.

This reminds me of when my mother, in a flustered and frustrated situation, would tell us, “Go to your room and holds hands with yourself.”  When I became a mother, I completely understood the meaning of that.  I changed it up a bit for the next generation and have been known to relay loudly, “Go to your room and pray to Jesus that He makes you nice.  And don’t come out until He does.”  It’s all good.

It’s all about character.  How you behave when no one is watching is KEY.  Priorities are KEY. Being obedient is KEY.  Not just for our kids, but for all of us.  Blessing follows obedience…. every stinkin’ time.  God is so good.