Tarter Sauce Fail in Walmart

Standing at the deli counter ordering sliced turkey in Walmart with my daughter and son-in-law, I described to them a meme I recently saw that I found hysterical.

It read, You are never too old to put random items in other people’s carts at Walmart.

We chuckled and then tried to talk my daughter into participating. We picked out a small ketchup bottle and unsuccessfully tried to coax her into playing along. No go.

However, my son-in-law, John, was all over the game. He picked up a single size serving of tarter sauce and sauntered around behind us pretending to compare prices and ingredients of bread loaves.

A lovely young woman standing next to me with a full cart of groceries, asked me if I purchase sliced meat regularly from the Walmart. “Yes, we do. It is cheaper then buying the packaged meat,” I answered. Unbeknownst to the kind lady, she was the target of the Walmart meme and my son-in-law’s prank.

Like she had mental telepathy, as John almost-stealthily placed the tarter sauce in her cart, she sensed something behind her, turned quickly, spied John, then grabbed her cross-body purse as if he was trying to rob hr. Immediately John started repenting, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Then he turned a nice shade of red as he took the tarter sauce out of her cart.

My daughter and I couldn’t stop laughing. I explained the meme to the victim and she replied that she had actually seen the meme. “I thought he was trying to steal my wallet,” she confessed. “I am a special needs teacher and I am always prepared for something out of the ordinary to happen.” So good. So good.

Walmart Scheme Victim: 1

John: 0

Oh, it’s ON, baby.

ICE ICE Baby

Yet another trip into Walmart to complete my day.  I swear we should have bought stock in that store when it opened!  It doesn’t matter if I have a list…. and I remembered to bring my list…. and I buy EVERYTHING on my list…. I still need to go back to Walmart later that same day for SOMETHING still in the dang store.  It’s true.  The store sucks me in.  Every time.  Like a fly to flypaper.  Why do they have so many stinkin things that I think I need?  Or the kids need?  Or my husband needs?  Or the dogs need?  Good gravy.

It was a non-list-quick-trip that hardly called for a cart.  But then, it was 12:30 p.m., and we all know what that means.  The rotisserie lemon-pepper chickens that came out of the slow cooker at 8:45 a.m. are now HALF PRICE!  “Go get us a cart, son.”  Glory be.  There were five plump birds with my name all over them.  I always hate it when someone comes and stands in line behind me when I’m filling up the entire bottom of the cart with scrumptiously delicious smelling game hens with $2.98 stickers on them.  No, I won’t share.  I have four children, a husband and two dogs, for Pete’s sake.  And I don’t have to cook the birds.  Hello!  We live in Phoenix.  Not turning on the oven is a prime idea for eight months of the year.  I never make eye contact with other shoppers when I’ve hit the poultry prize.

With the cart full of discounted dinner, we grabbed the few other things that I really came in Walmart for…. fish for fish tacos, avocados for fish tacos, cabbage for fish tacos and cilantro for fish tacos.  I was drooling simply thinking about lunch!  Then, lo and behold, the ICE drinks were in a HUGE display right at the front of the store… sucking me in again.  Pink grapefruit ICE drink will be served in heaven, people.  I prefer to purchase this pop at Costco in a case, but we weren’t in Costco with the cases.  We grabbed 12 of the skinny bottles (that are ridiculously easy to knock over) and headed for the cashier.

The clouds parted, the skies opened, and we had less than 20 items for the express lane!  (Because 12 ICE drinks are ONE item….. ICE drinks. Thankyouverymuch!)  While we patiently waited for the kind elderly lady to scan our groceries, my extremely helpful son was unloading the cart onto the non-conveyor belt counter….. the cart of skinny, easy to knock over bottles of ICE.  Yes, you guessed it, one went down.  And it didn’t go down pretty.  It went down with a BOOM and a pressurized fountain and a shriek or two and then a shower for my three family members and an elderly cashier.  The front of my dress was soaked …. soaked through to my bra.  ICE ran down my arms and legs.  It was splashed on my head and face.  My purse was dripping, as well as my daughter, son and the not-so-kind-anymore cashier.  The walls of the lane on both sides were drenched.  The floor was a lake of grapefruit.  All the groceries on the non-conveyor belt were wet.  I still can’t believe how one little bottle of juice did that much damage.

The poor cashier did not see the humor in the situation as I have learned to see over the years of having four children and ridiculously embarrassing messes happen in my presence because of my four children.  We mopped up as much as we could, but our lane was shut down, blocked off with a cart and paper towel was spread far and wide.  When we were finally done paying and dripping, I remarked to the little old lady, “Well, I hope your day goes better from here on out!”  Haha….  Not so.  She snapped back, “It BETTER!”  Made me chuckle.  Maybe she had a big date after her shift????

Guess who’s graduating??!!??

Yes, my first baby girl!  Larisa!  Distinctly I remember the day I took her to Walmart and had this photo shoot done.  We lived near Edmonton, Alberta… where the weather can be less than congenial at times.  And Larisa’s blonde hair could be limp in minutes… so I brought the curling iron and hairspray INTO Walmart for final touches.  I found an outlet in the middle of the children’s clothing section and she sat in the cart while I fixed the golden curls to perfection.  She posed up a storm…. like a true beauty queen.  I didn’t even do any coaching… she had the moves even at two year old! 

When Daddy got home that night, for some reason I decided to tape record Larisa telling Daddy about the Walmart photo shoot.  We still have it.  It is PRECIOUS!  Her little scratchy voice saying, “Affer Mommy do the curlen iron in Wamart, da laby take my pichers. Den I went like dis.. and like dis… and like dis….” And she re-enacted the entire posing scene.  A cherished family memory for us.

A week later when we took Daddy into Walmart to help us choose the three photos that were included in the cheapest package…. he stared at each one of the 15… then uttered the unthinkable words for Mr. Wallet, “We will take them all.”  Unbelievable.

We may have a re-enactment of that extravagant purchase when Larisa’s senior pictures arrive!!!  Please stand by.

 

The Pumpkin Pit

The bright orange pumpkins at Walmart have been calling my name for over three weeks.  Today, as I entered said establishment (for the fourth time in 24 hours) I was escorting my two daughters…. who both eyed the orange globes and then eyed their mother with pleading puppy-dog faces.  Larisa found a picture of a carved pumpkin with a picture of a wiener dog that said “Happy Halloweenie!” So with that geniously creative idea, I said OK!  It actually wasn’t that hard of a decision… $3.78.  How can you beat that?  It probably costs more than that to water the vine for the four months growing season!

There were two large bins with a sign that declared them ALL as medium in size.  We pulled a few off the top of the pile and glared hopefully into the pumpkin pit.  Indeed, they were not all created equal.  The queen mother was at the bottom… and I spotted her!  We began to pull the pumpkins off the top of the bin and fill bin #2.  Then when bin #2 was precariously full-almost-to-toppling, we piled the rest on the ground.  The path was clear to the queen mum.  Larisa and I both stepped up on the palate, tiptoed up until the top of the bin was at our waists, and dove in.  Seriously, with our feet off the ground.  It took us two tries, but we succeeded!

We must have looked like we recently came in from the pumpkin patch.  I was wearing what used to be a clean black t-shirt…. now totally covered in dirt and muck from all the pumpkins we moved… and probably from the bin too.  We found the queen mother’s twin sister in the bottom as well.  Another successful day of shopping at Walmart.

The moral of the story is: A pumpkin in hand is worth two in the bin.  :o)

A Classic Linda Day

It started out as an ordinary day in the life of me, but no day is ordinary in my life, as I have come to realize.  It was a “don’t-have-to-go-anywhere-or-look-nice” kind of day, so I was sporting my summer uniform of denim shorts and a Walmart USA t-shirt.  Breakfast was under way, but the blown-up chili and eggs on the inside of the microwave grossed me out beyond my comfort level.  As I always do, I filled a small bowl with water and set it in the microwave to be heated to boiling… and thus moistening all the hard-as-cement bits glaring at me.  This has been my “clean the microwave” practice for over 20 years.  It has never failed me until today.  I set the timer for four minutes and stood by spreading cream cheese on a bagel.  I was a little too close to the microwave for comfort.  The bowl boiled down to vapors and the pressure inside the little white oven blasted the door open. Yes, the water hit the side of my head and soaked my Wally World t-shirt.  I also screamed…. quite loudly.  And scared the dog.  Thankfully it was not boiling hot water… it was luke warm water that didn’t burn the skin off the side of my face.

As if that wasn’t enough excitement for one day….. I decided it was time for the bi-annual shower cleaning in the master bathroom.  Don’t judge me.  We do not have a water softener and the hard water clings to the shower door and walls like Saran wrap to itself.  Happily (ok, not really) I was spraying and scrubbing the shower… fully clothed, still in my summer uniform.  I was utilizing a large 7-11 cup to rinse the walls as I went along.  Then the phone rang and I abruptly stood up, my shoulder hitting the shower tap and turning on the cold water from the shower nozzle….. blasting the same side of my head that WAS recently dry after the microwave blasting only an hour earlier.  This was WAY more water, however.  Sufficiently drenched.

When my husband finally arrived home and we were sitting like the Cleavers having dinner around the table, he asked the ominous question, “How did your day go?”  “Before or after I got blasted in the head twice?”  Another classic Linda day.

SpRiNg BrEaK!

Yes, we are a week late, but for a good reason.  Homeschoolers can take Spring Break whenever they want to!  So we did school all last week while our friends played.  This week, Rick’s brother, wife and daughter are in town to PLAY!  It started yesterday and shall continue for another six days!  WhoOoooo HOoooOOoo!

Today’s business was: street hockey game, dressmaking and container gardening.  Unsurprisingly, I chose container gardening.  (Only because I had half of the soil mixed on the tarp when the trip to the fabric store was announced.)  After much calculating and price shopping, the final mix for the ultimate container vegetable garden turned out to be: 1 cf (cubic foot) each of perlite, peat moss, compost and mulch.  There are so many different mix recipes out there, I had to do my research.  I do like the book The Square Foot Garden, but his mix is very expensive.  So I found all the ingredients and mixed it myself, well, with the help of my two sons and my 7-year-old daughter who LOVES to help!  And I added mulch.  Hey, it’s cheap and adds roughage to the mix.

Funniest thing happened as me and my sister-in-law were leaving the store with a flat-bed cart piled with huge soil bags….. the cart hit the first of the pavement bumps leading to our get-away car and half of the bags fell off onto the ground.  As we were laughing and setting our purses down to pick them up, a lady in a wheel chair pulled up and asked if she could help.  “Sure!”  (I was thinking, what exactly is she planning on doing to help???)  She held the cart still while we piled the bags a bit more securely.  That was nice!

One thing I did know was NOT to use the soil in the ground in AZ!  It is the same clay that the Hohokam Indians used to make clay pots.  After the sun shines on the clay soil at 120 degrees, it is as hard as a clay pot fresh out of the kiln!

As mentioned before, I was given large plastic barrels that were cut in half long-ways for my containers.  Yes, the hardware store sells cute little wooden fences for a 4’x4′ garden bed, but like I said, these were FREE!  And required next-to-nothing in set up.  I filled six of them today with my miracle mix and will plant tomorrow.  The heat and sunshine are always a concern here for wilting plants in the summer, so I lined the barrels along the west wall of our backyard, so they only get sun until 2:00.  Then they can recover until the next morning sunshine kisses their little leaves again.

(Pictures to follow when plants appear.)

Routine…. finally.

Nora, our little Colombian princess, is fitting in so well to our family, crazy as we are.  One of her English sentences is “_________ is funny!”  Fill in a family member’s name when appropriate!  We do laugh a lot and that’s a good thing.  Laughter is healing.  Everyone could use some healing.

We are somewhat into a routine these days, being our sixth week home from Colombia.  Nora is still sad on days when she discovers Daddy is gone to work, but thrilled to talk to him on the phone.  THAT is one funny conversation to listen to… Spanish on one end and English on the other.  I listen and laugh. 

One of our routines is morning bath time.  I shower first and as soon as I’m dressed I get the bathtub ready for Nora.  Depending on how hurried our morning is, she may or may not get bubble bath.  Her bath toys consist of “the pirates who don’t do anything” from VeggieTales and their ship.  She plays while I do my hair and make-up.  Today she was scrubbing the soap up and down her arms when she paused and told me that her brown arms were no good and my white arms are good.  I explained in lame Spanish that I love her brown arms and legs!  I told her they are beautiful and they are mommy’s favorite color.  If she only knew how much I’ve spent on fake tanning beds and rub-on tans!  It made me sad because I didn’t know if it is part of a phase that she is going through…. saying the opposite of what is true…. or the truth.  She isn’t a whole lot darker than her daddy…. I wonder what she would say about his arms?

I didn’t plan on starting Nora with schooling until her English improves (or shows up!)  But she is so eager to “do school” with the boys!  Under duress, I purchased a curriculum for her in the coloring book section at Walmart… on clearance for $3.97.  Imagine how thorough it is!  Now she sits at the kitchen table with us fills in her pages with numbers and letters.  I pray she is always this interested in learning!  It will serve her well!

Anyway, lately we have more days full of smiles than days stained with tears.

A Walmart Moment

There was congestion in Walmart today, especially in the dairy aisle at the back of the store.  A gallon of 2% milk was in my view, but there were three or four carts ahead of me… and a little elderly lady barely able to drag a skim gallon from the case.  So I patiently waited and smiled…. like I want people to do to me when I’m elderly and my arms shake when I carry a gallon!  But there was a gentleman behind me who was a tad on the grouchy side.  He swore at me and blasted through the crowd without the greatest of ease. I heard him mutter something sarcastic to the effect of, “Standing in the middle of the aisle is a GREAT idea, #@%&*@#$!”  Off he stormed as I grabbed my milk and began inspecting eggs.

After gathering safety pins and garage sale pricing stickers, I eventually made it to the check out and was second in line behind a man from another country.  He had to get his ID checked because he was purchasing some wine.  The cashier couldn’t find his birthdate on the European (I’m guessing) ID so they went back and forth about it.  The cashier started talking louder, because we all know that helps people with English as their second (or third) language.  Like their hearing doesn’t work, or something.  Anywhoooo, I learned the guy was born in 1979.  I would have guessed 1990.  Then I watched as the guy somewhat nervously counted cash and change from his wallet.  I thought he might not have enough money.  But no, he had given the cashier $4. 75 too much.  Ahhhhh.  Realization hit:  He’s not used to our currency.  And then realization hit again:  That will be me in a couple of months in Colombia… fumbling with funny colored money and probably paying too much.

My groceries were scanned, bagged, paid for and I was on my way to the door.  But there were some people in the way and I had to pause and say, “Excuse me,” so I could get by.  Low and behold…. it was some gentlemen chatting about football.  And it was the SAME gentleman from the crowded dairy aisle.  His line of swear words and his sarcastic line were still fresh in my memory, but I just smiled and thanked them for moving.

Another nice-neighbor moment brought to you by Walmart.

Going Into Town

Where are currently staying is a 20 minute drive into town…. Walmart, Barnes & Noble, Taco Bell and Home Depot. We don’t have internet access at the cabin, so I’ve brought my laptop to B&N for short and sweet hook-up times.

We dropped into Home Depot earlier for some needed toilet parts and unbeknownst to us, torrential rain started while we shopped. We were all sporting t-shirts, flip-flops, shorts/capris without umbrellas as it was 90 degrees outside. Larisa and I waited in the exit doorway while Rick and Keeve ran to the van. The rain intensified while we waited and the much to our amusement, Home Depot people were frantically covering outdoor displays that were obviously not waterproof. Rick couldn’t get close to the door so he pointed back at the loading dock area. Larisa and I made our way over there, somewhat dryly and were picked up in style. We proceeded to drive two blocks away to a grocery store…. covered by clear skies. Arizona storms amaze and amuse me.

My dad introduced to me his summer specialty beverage at Starbucks: green tea frappaccino with peppermint and mocha chips. It tastes like Grasshopper Ice Cream with all the benefits of green tea. Yum! Much to mine and my father’s dismay, the B&N in Flagstaff is not a fully stocked, peppermint participating Starbucks AND it doesn‘t accept Starbucks cards. Sheesh. As I ordered my relished drink, the non-masculine fellow proceeded to tell me that they don’t serve peppermint. At all. Then he asked if I wanted whipped cream on my plain ordinary green tea frap. I answered nicely, “No, I’m not having a green tea frap anymore, because you wrecked it by not having peppermint.” Keeve proceeded to order and the guy asked him to repeat his name so he could write it on the cup. I spelled it, out of habit, because it is such an unusual name. The guy barked in his soft, lispy voice, “I know how to spell it!” I didn’t comment, but the line on the tip of my tongue was, “Wow! The first person in the world that knows how to spell KEEVE!” He misspelled Larisa’s name and just as I was leaving the counter, he added with charm, “What a cute purse!” Wow! As soon as we were out of earshot, Larisa mocked, “What a cute purse!” It is a cute purse… with cherries all over it and tan straps and corners… my friend Connie gave it to me and I love it. But GAH! Man-up, brother.

We are going back into town again, but I spied a real, stand-alone Starbucks that we will be stopping at to acquire peppermint drinks before our trip into B&N for internet access. This time I’m taking my umbrella.

Independence Day!

Fireworks shows are hard to come by in Phoenix, land of the flammable landscape with heat and wind to keep the fire crews busy eternally. Permits are required for pyrotechnics.  My children have never had the thrill of holding a sparkler in their hand, or shooting off bottle rockets, or lighting those gray growing snake dealies or even witnessing the smell of a fireworks stand.  However, we do the best we can to be patriotic and go out of our way to see Chinese-made fireworks in our fair city.  My parent’s church always puts on a grand display so that was our intended destination at 9:00 p.m.  As we were climbing in the car at 8:38 p.m., my dad phoned to tell us the fireworks show was half way through….. it was a 15 minute drive and would be over by the time we arrived.  So we drove a mile from our house to where we could see the tiny fireworks in the distant and stood on a curb watching them in disappointment.

Our youngest son has a gifting toward music and with that came sensitive ears.  He is 11 and has only enjoyed the Fourth of July without a pillow wrapped around his head for four years now.  Finally he enjoys the BOOM in his chest from the firepower, just like his mama.  I have semi-fond memories of sitting in the car with him with his pillow around his head when it was 105+ degrees even at dark, while the rest of the family sat on cool grass to enjoy the show.  Last night he kept asking, “Where are more fireworks?”  and “Can’t we go somewhere else to see fireworks?” and “Are we going to see more fireworks?”  You get the picture.

At home, after the miniature disappointing distant display, my husband scoured the newspaper for fireworks show listings.  I searched the web.  We discovered that the BIG Phoenix display was downtown at 9:30!!!  We could make it! We jumped back in the car again, with our 3-D glasses for fireworks enhancement, and headed down the highway.  We arrived just in time and after three or four attempts at finding the right side street that faced the display area, we scored!  Only one billboard slightly off to the left, but we had a grand view.  The picture above is proof that we were in Phoenix, see the flammable palm trees??

Fourth of July checklist:  watermelon – check, bbq burgers – check, cheesy $4 Walmart flag shirts – check, fireworks – check.  Job well done.