Posts Tagged ‘yellow walls’

A Big FAT FAIL!!!

November 1, 2010

This past week I realized that I had not gone into Zaza’s room since we declined the referral on the 18th.  After mentioning this to my husband, he suggested I venture back into the golden-yellow oasis of flowers and butterflies and tea sets and dress-up clothes.  So I did.  Bravely, kind of.  Can you be sort of brave?

To my surprise, our son Keeve had moved back in during my absence.  His trombone, music stand and he has a bag of his personal items… more commonly referred to as his bag of junk… that scooted back in there and made itself a home.  (Hey, it’s better than a bag of hair… anybody seen Fever Pitch?!?)  It is a remnant of his days when he slept in the purple bed.  It’s a huge lime green with purple polka-dots gift bag that is ripped down one side.  We simply never found a home for that stuff when he moved back into the big bedroom with his brother.  It’s a good collection of stuff too: a photo of his friend Connor’s orange cat from California, an Iron Man mask, a few magic tricks like the disappearing penny and the three red balls that turn into two, and many hockey cards, some pucks, a few cardboard guitars, marbles and twist-tie necklaces that were made while shopping in the produce section of Walmart.  Good stuff!

I’ve never understood the “closing of the nursery door” that so many childless parents go through, until now.  I get it… a teeny bit.  Nora’s picture is still standing on my desk in a pale green frame.  At first, I didn’t even want to look at it, but my husband suggested that we keep it up as a reminder to pray for her and her forever family.  She keeps staring at me.  Reminding me that we said no.  I’ve also come to realize that if we received her referral later in life with none of our kids left at home, we would have accepted it.  That soothed my soul, somehow.  We weren’t saying NO to her.  We were saying NO to right now with these three children still in our care.  That soothed my soul too…. somehow.

In the dark of the night, I admitted to my sweet husband that I feel like we’ve gone through nearly four years of adoption emotions, upheaval, paperwork and disappointment to come out with a big fat FAIL.  F!  I have felt like it’s all over now.  We didn’t win.  We lost.  Game over.  I’ve been avoiding the adoption topic in my mind for two weeks.

In reality, we just hit yet another bump in the road to our little girl.  But I’m not fully back on the bandwagon yet.  I did venture off to a new Bookman’s store in Mesa and found two full shelves of adoption books that I’ve not read yet.  (This is what I do in the adoption low periods… I read tales of successful adoptions… reminding me that orphans do get forever families…. mommies do get to kiss soft cheeks… eventually.)  I narrowed the pile to five and then to three books.  I actually found a book about a family from San Jose, California (where I grew up) that adopted a five-year-old girl from Colombia!  It brought many fears and tears to the surface, but it did prepare me a little bit more for our eventual travel… to our daughter.

No More Hot Wheels under the Purple Bed!

November 7, 2008

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of, dream about, pray for and long to hug and kiss our little Zaza who is STILL in Colombia waiting for us.  Nov. 7th officially marks our 9th month of waiting for our adoption referral.  When we initially heard 2 to 30 months….. we hoped and prayed it would be closer to the 2.  Well there’s still five months to go on the “closer” side. 

The Colombian courts close from Dec. 15 to Jan. 15, much to this adoptive mom’s chagrin.  When we do receive the referral, we get the profile checked out by a pediatrician familiar with international adoption and the we give our answer.  (YES!… duh!)  Then we travel within two weeks.  So FAST, it’s scary.  The clincher is that depending upon which region Zaza is living in, we could stay from 4 to 8 weeks in Colombia.  It’s all up to the courts. 

Sadly, there is now not enough time before their Christmas break to fit in the 2 weeks plus 4-8 weeks.  So it’ll be 2009 when we meet our girl.  Yes, we started this whole deal in 2006…….  I can’t say that waiting makes it sweeter… just longer.

Anyway, we’ve been in process so long that our USCIS approval needs and extension and an update to our homestudy.  Since our agency closed a few months back, we had to find a new social worker in AZ who is Hague compliant.  (Hague is the new international regulators/rule makers for adoptions.)  So this Saturday from 2:00 to 3:00 p.m. we meet our new case worker and she tours Zaza’s prospective home.  Not a big deal if you keep your house clean and tidy all the time.  BIG HAIRY DEAL if you only keep the downstairs clean and tidy.

Zaza’s room is ready for her…. has been since January.  The walls are painted yellow.  Her vintage, wooden, carved canopy bed from Auntie Connie is painted purple.  The ribbon-encircled lamp is glowing on her curvy, vintage dresser from Auntie Julie.  The lavender butterfly rug from Auntie Donna is snug by the bed.  The blue turtle from Auntie Jill is sitting on the shelf.  The Beatrix Potter book from Auntie Darla is sitting next to the blue turtle on the shelf.  There are even frilly dresses on pink hangers hanging in her closet from Auntie Jilly too.  Just last week Mom and I found a darling, carved wood, two-drawer bedside table… from Grandma.  I still need to repaint it and find knobs, but I had to run up and put it in there to envision Zaza opening the drawers to hide her treasures.

However, our son Keeve decided to keep the bed warm until Zaza gets here.  So, with the 2:00 visit only 48 hours away, Keeve and I cleaned up the Hot Wheel tracks, rolled up the city road rug, put G.I. Joe back in his box, and put Lightning McQueen in the garage sale pile.  It looks like a girly-girl room again and there are officially no more Hot Wheels under the purple bed.  Whew.