Elderly Laughs

I should seriously get out more.  I have been thoroughly entertained by elderly people these last few days in my journeys around town.  Laughter is good for the soul…. and my soul has been well nourished!

Walgreens.  Change for a $20 and some red and green MnMs.  That’s all I was after.  Standing in line behind one elderly gentleman, I assumed it would be a quick ride as he was only holding a Hershey’s bar with almonds.  And the almonds shouldn’t take any extra time!  No.  It was anything but a quick ride.  I could have walked all the way back to the pharmacy waited in line behind two people getting multiple prescriptions and it would have been faster!  The gentleman was a little hunched over… I wondered if it was due to hearing loss and his tendency to lean toward anyone who was talking?  He was a cute grandpa: matching light blue jacket, polyester pleated pants and tennis shoes.  His gray hair was a bit long for his conservative dress… maybe he was out strolling for a lady friend???  The also elderly cashier rang up the candy bar and pronounced, “$1.09.”  The customer replied LOUDLY, “That sign right there says it is only fifty-nine cents!” The cashier asked him to punch in his phone number so he could get the store discount.  Ain’t no way on God’s green earth was he going to share his private information with a dang computer!  On and on he ranted, “You don’t know who is going to be getting that information!  The government is trying to take our money, take our medical, and now they want to call us at home!  I’m not putting in my number!”  I felt sorry for the cashier, who tried to explain that the overpriced candy bar was only going to be on sale with a precious phone number.  “NO WAY!  It says FIFTY-NINE CENTS!”  Around and around they went like Elf in the department store rotating doors!  At that point my MnMs were starting to melt in my hand and not in my mouth.  I volunteered to put my phone number in so the man could save fifty cents.  I stepped around the man and typed in my digits.  Both elderly men thanked me, as did the next three people in line behind me.  The happy, candy bar-carrying man then warned me about government intrusion. I secretly reassured him, “It’s our old home phone number that has been disconnected for four years.”  And then my secret was out.  He laughed so hard while telling everyone in the store, the parking lot and driving by on the street that I outsmarted the government by using a phony phone number!  I couldn’t quit laughing!

Next stop: Kohls.  Black socks.  That’s all I was after.  This time I ended up in line following two elderly women… as opposite as they could be.  The first gem that drew my attention was leaning heavily on the counter in her black bling-bling velour sweat suit.  Her thick, black-rimmed glasses were perfect circles approximately four inches across each heavily make-upped eyeball.

She was adorned with hot pink lipstick in the same shade as a swatch of her used-to-be-gray hair.  She was loudly protesting that the store didn’t carry the cappuccino machine that was in the advertisement she was waving over her head.  The woman who was assisting her was on the phone asking for someone to come to the front from housewares to help the flashy lady.  “Yes, could you please have John come to the front,” she asked and the bug-eyed lady leaned forward to yell into the phone, “IMMEDIATELY!”  This caused involuntary bursts of laughter from me and the modestly dressed elderly woman in front of me.  Our giggles were not appreciated by the cappuccino-less lady.  She turned to us and hissed… seriously hissed, “This is NOT funny!”  In my head I was answering her back, “OH, this is Hysterical!  I think this is SO FUNNY! You just barked at me for laughing!”  The other laughing culprit was much more kind than I.  She apologized and went over and put her arm around the pink-haired yeller, telling her that she knows this can be a stressful time!  Pinky did calm down quite a bit.  But I couldn’t quit laughing.

Bring on the Christmas cheer, old folks!  I love it!

Smarty Pants…. not really.

Thinking I had scored a major victory at my favorite thrift store with a pair of chocolate brown capri pants, I sauntered to the sewing machine for a minor quick fix.  These were TOTALLY cute capris with little buttons and tabs on the pockets and cute twill tape ties at the bottom of each leg.  One glance and I figured out why the previous owner had sadly parted with these adorable pants.  The wide elastic in the back of the waist band had flipped and to the untrained eye appeared to be stuck in that position. But no.

Having taken self-taught home-ec sewing for 13 years before leaving home (Okay, my mom did initially show me how to sew forward, backwards and zig zag on the ancient Sears machine), the necessary remedy for the brown capris took a few straight pins and some determination.  Seriously, even with the thread change on the machine to a delicious chocolate color, the entire process took fifteen minutes.

Proud did not even begin to explain my feelings of accomplishment.  Waltzing into my closet, I pulled on my new favorite pants, buttoned the waist, slid the zipper in place and unsuccessfully tugged on the brown twill tape that circled the waist.  It seemed to be stuck.  There was five inches sticking out on the right side and 14 inches sticking out on the left side.  What in the world?  Tug tug.  No go.  Then I realized, in all of my smarty-pants-ness I had flipped the elastic and stitched not only the elastic in place but also the draw string for the waist.  Bummer dude.

I have yet to remedy the situation.  I simply tie them really far to the right in a teeny bow and tuck ten inches of twill tape inside the waistband of the pants.  Honestly, it would only take five minutes to pull out my stitches but I simply haven’t done it.  I keep tying the miniature bow and hiding the leftovers, hoping no one will see what a mess I made of my new almost favorite pants.

Our New Life

Since the adoption of our little Colombian princess we have had six people living in our home.  It has all gone rather smoothly… even admirably, in my humble opinion.  However, I was not quite ready for the change it would bring to our family when our 19-year-old left for college.  Her 14-year-old brother moved into her room possibly within three nanoseconds of her father and I driving out of the driveway.  Not only did he take over her bedroom, but surprisingly, he started using the items she left behind… like her little yellow ballet-slippers with bows on top… and her fuzzy hot pink bathrobe.

If that wasn’t enough, the kid who seldom cooks got all inspired and yesterday morning all of us awoke to the pleasing aroma of waffles and bacon.  I sauntered down the stairs to find a delicacy that gave my stomach an uneasy feeling…. bacon AND chocolate waffles.  What?  Dirty dishes were scattered about the counters and there was a stack of waffles awaiting their victims.  Surprisingly, they were quite agreeable.  Upon further inquiry, he spilled the beans that he discovered the recipe in a magazine at the chiropractor’s office… and had been dreaming of making them ever since.

If you asked me two weeks ago if my 14-year-old son would be wearing a hot pink robe and cooking bacon and chocolate waffles… I would have laughed in your face.  Today…. I’m not laughing.  I’m still licking my lips.

I’m a Visual Learner

Pinterest led me to this fabulous idea for watching the pounds disappear!  Of course, the one posted was in beautiful glass vases with pink, pearlized white and clear glass gems and glittery hot pink stickers for “Pounds Lost” and “Pounds to Go!”  Mine is the hillbilly-what-do-we-have-lying-around-the-house version.  My eight-year-old wanted to know where her marbles are… that she has never played with …. EVER.  Figures.  “They are being utilized in a highly efficient manner to keep your mother focused on the goal!”

Adjustments.  That is what I made this week…. adjustments to my overall weight loss goal.  When I began this journey, one-hundred pounds seemed enormous…. well, because it was.  It is.  I can’t even lift 100 lbs.  But I was carrying it around every weary-three-pieces-of-pizza-and-the-whole-chocolate-bar-loving day.  So, as I began to study the BMI chart (which I don’t exactly take as gospel truth because it says my stocky-barrel-chested husband should weigh 160 lbs.  He was skinny at 185 when I met him 27 years ago, thankyouverymuch.) I decided to aim for losing 104 pounds.  Down four little pounds from the original goal.  It’s all good.  And I’m okay with it.  My big-boned self-image may make another adjustment in a few months when I get there.  A flashback to high school and my hip bones sticking out made me realize another adjustment may be required as the time approaches.

In the mean time, I’m slowly moving the marbles to the LOST jar!  33 to go!  Whooo Hoooooo!

Most Talented Mother of the Year!

The City of Phoenix gives out cultural passes at the libraries so uncultured people can go to museums and attractions for free.  They are trying to upgrade the average Phoenician’s cultural experience.  And it’s working.  At least in this house.  “If it’s free, it’s for me!” is a famous quote from my sister…. and I borrow it on occasion.  When the homeschooling bus hits a bump in the road, we go on field trips. It’s a no-brainer…. get out of the house… pronto!  The get out of jail free passes are so handy!

Last Spring, when Spring fever was burning our house down, I gathered passes to the Natural History Museum and the Children’s Museum in Mesa, Arizona.  My then-16 year old daughter was NOT interested, so we kidnapped a fellow 12-year-old friend and ventured off for a day of cultural learning.  I was quite astounded when my then 13 and 11-year-old sons believed me when I told them that they were to assemble ALL of the mammoth sized wooden floor puzzles of dinosaurs in the museum.  They did it.  And I didn’t laugh out loud once.  Then they panned for fake gold for 45 minutes in the hot sun.  If wonders never cease.  They were probably thinking that if they didn’t use up their time, I would drive them back home to their math books.

We exited the Natural History Museum and discovered a gigantic music shop across the parking lot.  It was enormous and contained every musical instrument known to me… and a few more!  Hundreds of horns, drums and guitars in all shapes and colors.  The boys wandered in awe claiming which ones they would buy!  At one point I heard a banjo call my name.  It was just sitting there tempting me like a piece of white chocolate with almonds… I had to touch it and taste its goodness.  The store was pretty noisy, so I figured I could get away with a bit of pickin’ and grinnin’.  I know just enough about stringed instruments to stay in one key…. and then it happened…. my unknown inner-banjo talent played like hot grease on a skillet.  I laugh just thinking about it.  I picked as fast as I could and all three boys turned to face me in absolute amazement… jaws all hanging slack.  “I didn’t know your mom could play the banjo!” our guest spit out.  Without taking their eyes off of me and my banjo, both my boys responded, “I didn’t either!”  It was priceless.  I didn’t know I could play the banjo either.  Well, I really can’t.  But I am a supreme faker.

My boys are writing a book called “The 100 Funniest Things” and my banjo playing made the list!  (Right next to the dog eating a pancake off my son’s head……. don’t ask.)

The Infamous Krickle Krackle Recipe

I wish I had a picture to show you, but the game night attendees ate BOTH plates of Krickle  Krackle and licked the crumbs to boot.  I will describe it to you, nonetheless.  It is a delicacy that tastes like Almond Roca… but it is made with common household ingredients (well, if you’re in a woman’s kitchen.)  It’s salty.  It’s sweet.  It’s got chocolate.  It’s got almonds.   Drooling yet?

The Krickle Krackle recipe was given to me by my sister-in-law, Jennie, years ago.  The recipe card holds a special place of importance in my little red recipe binder.  Here is the recipe so all can share in it’s yummy goodness.

Krickle Krackle by Jennie Crosby (and now Linda Crosby)

Saltine Crackers (yes, it’s true)

1 c. margarine (or butter)

1 c. brown sugar

2 c. chocolate chips

1  1/2 c. slivered almonds

Grease a large cookie sheet that has sides.  (The flat ones make a mess!) Line the cookie sheet with the crackers. Boil margarine and brown sugar for 2 – 3 minutes.  Pour over the crackers and spread evenly.  Bake at 350*F until bubbly.  THEN 2 minutes longer.  Watch carefully!  Sprinkle the chocolate chips on top and when they are melted, spread them evenly over the gooey goodness.  Sprinkle the almonds on the chocolate and gently press them into the chocolate.  Refrigerate until hard.  Cut or break and serve.  Save some in a little baggie in the back of the vegetable compartment.  (This was a new direction added tonight, that I wish I would have done yesterday.)

Enjoy!